My friends keep swearing I’m a geek. Mostly because they all are. And I’m talking full on, I-can-take-this-computer-apart-down-to-it’s-chips-and-put- it-back-together-again-so-that-it-runs-faster geeks. Geeks who are so damned good they could re-write Linux and it would be better, AND they could do it in less than a week. True, caffeine molecule wearing, hAx0r hating, reading the code specs for fun geeks.

And then there is me. I can’t even figure out how to install a printer on my mac. Sure I can write java code (or perl, C, and maybe a little php) until the cows come home, but that’s it. Ask me to configure a piece of hardware or low level software, and I panic. The compulsion to run to the medicine cabinet and down 3 xanax with a beer overcomes me.

So I present to you (because i have nothing interesting photographed) the top 10 reasons why I am not a geek.

10. I hate video games. I mean, come ON BOOOOORING. I want to shoot people in real life, at least with a lazer gun. My husband and my friends were playing this game on line, and all I could think was “What is the point of mining shit in a virtual outer space? As if your day job isn’t boring enough, lets come home and pretend to be blue collar workers! Now that’s my idea of a good time baby.” NOT.

9. I don’t own a single article of clothing with an operating system logo on it. I mean, really, what *IS* the difference between RedHat and Ubuntu. And while we’re at it, what the hell is KDE and Gnome? I’m so confused.

8. My webpages don’t have a black background. Oh, and they have some thought to them. Not just the boring ass default monospace font in white on a black background. I HATE the black background. I even have my Terminal set up with a white background at home. So there.

7. Mac is better than Linux. Why? because I don’t have to install it.

6. My monitor is a measly 17″ and that’s just fine with me. I really don’t need the wrap around screen with the chair of doom in the center. So that I can turn around when those less worthy than me enter my cubicle and give them the evil eye over my steepled fingers, a la, Mr. Burns.

5. I don’t have a rear-view mirror on my monitor at work, and I sit w/ my back to the door. No self respecting geek would do that. They’re all too paranoid that the boss man will walk in while they’re ripping the company’s software to shreads and starting all over again.

4. I can find the top of my desk. Easily.

3. For the life of me I can’t stay up past 10pm or sleep beyond 8am in the morning. It’s probably my measley caffiene intake. I should really up that.

2. I know nothing about processor speeds or gigahertz or whatever it is that makes one computer better than the other.

And the number one reason…

1. Would a geek make something like this?