How am I supposed to get any real work completed when there is so much slacking off that must be done? I mean, hell, there is shopping to do, forums and email to be read, and (most importantly) blogs to write. Dammit, there is even bubble wrap that must be popped. And don’t forget the on-line crosswords, jigsaw puzzles and – who’s the genius that implemented this? – sudoku. I also need to chat with my friends and Stumble! some. By the way, if you’re not stumbling, then you have no idea how to waste time.

As my co-workers will tell you, there are always cards to be played. One of our key requirements for new hires is that they can shuffle large decks of cards quickly.

The lunch wheel must be spun NOW. Eew, no not that place spin again! No, again! Deciding where to go for lunch can take a good half hour. And after lunch we’re heading over to the bookstore for some research – on novels and comics and craft magazines.

I must checkout the kitchen to make sure there is no new free candy or something. I need to get countless bottles of water and cups of coffee. I need to stand around the brewing coffee pot and shoot the shit with my friends. Oh and now I have to pee 20 times in a day because of all the coffee and water I just drank.

I’m sorry that I fell asleep in that meeting last week. I forgot my laptop so I could hide behind it and plan my next 5 vacations. It takes serious scheduling to get 5 weeks of vacation out of the 3 weeks I’m given. Now that’s time management!

I’ve got phone calls to make, evites to check, appointments to schedule and errands to run. There are TV shows to review, video games to play, parties to plan, and websites to write. And someone should really solve that Rubik’s cube, it’s been sitting unfinished for a couple of hours now.

Don’t go on vacation, because then I’ll have to deface your cube in some way, and that takes planning. Do you know how long it takes to collect enough post-it notes to cover your entire workspace? Coming up with an original idea is just too much work, better to just google it and steal someone else’s prank.

Whew, I’m tired. I think tomorrow I’ll work from home.

* If you’re my boss and you’re reading this. It’s all a joke. Really. Besides, don’t you have a meeting to go to or something?


One Response to “Fucking Off is a Full Time Job*”

  1. courtney on December 12th, 2007 3:34 pm

    HA! Flipping hilarious! EXACTLY what I do everyday… seriously, it takes skill to slack off :D

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